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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"