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Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Hard butter is the devil.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."