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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.