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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes