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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.