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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."