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Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.