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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-