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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I wish common sense was more common.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
is battling with eyelids
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.