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"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
The only clubs Iām into are sandwiches.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.