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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.