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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.