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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.