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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.