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I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.