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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.