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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.