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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.