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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.