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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.