Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Safe words are for quitters.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?