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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.