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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.