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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe