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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.