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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I’m tired of things costing money.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
The older I get the better I used to be.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!