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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...