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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
only 9530 days until retirement.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.