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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!