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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?