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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)