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If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.