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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.