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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.