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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"