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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”