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Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes