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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point