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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.