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There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"