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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”