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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.