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It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.