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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.