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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.