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I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Safe words are for quitters.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"