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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.