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Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…