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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC