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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?