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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.