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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?