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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
You look like I need another drink
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.