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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?