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It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.