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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
All milk is breast milk.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.