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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!