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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.