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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.