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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.