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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I forgot to post this earlier
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?