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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.