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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.