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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.