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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.