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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m