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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.