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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.