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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Hard butter is the devil.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener