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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Tieam... problem solved
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?