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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.