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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.