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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
My internet goes out more than I do.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!