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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.