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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D