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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.