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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms