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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.