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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
I need a partner in wine.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.