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Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.