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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister