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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.