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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.