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Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.