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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.