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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.