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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.