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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.