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My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.