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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav