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The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
I dare you to spit on this status.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium