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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"